Preparing for Fatherhood

This blog was written based on an interview with Zyanya, a babywearing consultant, postpartum educator, and the founder of Adapting to Love.

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When referring to fatherhood, it can be applied to role of a partner, friend, family member, and others taking on the role of a parent.

From your experience, what are the key roles a father plays in a child’s development?

There is no limitation to the key roles a father plays in a child’s development, as they are involved emotionally, socially, and physically. From what is observed and written about fatherhood, the key roles dads play in a child’s development are in playing with the child, developing their risk assessment skills, boundaries, consent, and emotional regulation. This is also all dependent on culture and how involved the father is in their child’s life. 

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How can fathers best support their partners during labor and delivery?

Fathers can best support their partners during labor and delivery by being there and being supportive. Having your partner with you during labor is important for support, as they can help the mother with breathing and counting during contractions. Overall, being there to witness the birth, providing support, and comforting the mother is important. Providing words of affirmation and encouragement allows the mother to feel more at ease and strong. Additionally, affection helps with oxytocin and can aid in pain management and help the labor progress, which can include kisses, cuddles, caresses, and nipple stimulation.

What steps should a father take to support their partner's healing and recovery postpartum?

In the early days, it is important for the partner to take the role of ‘gatekeeper’ in a lot of different ways. The first of which is to try to convince the mother not to get out of bed that much and minimize what they are doing physically around the house. Encouraging rest and recovery is important for the first few weeks after the birth. Additionally, gatekeeping guests and communications is important so the mother can relax and heal. For the long term, giving the mother time to rest and taking the baby as much as possible will allow for a stronger recovery postpartum as well. In terms of care for the baby, dads can do everything for the baby that the mothers can do, except breastfeed. Finally, it is good for fathers to get support as well because they are also learning how to take care of a baby, and they do not have experience of being caregivers to someone healing from childbirth. 

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“It’s like a pyramid. There are different levels: the dad supporting the mom, the mom supporting the baby, the dad supporting the mom and the baby, and then you need someone supporting the dad because it is a lot in those first few weeks”

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There is a quote that says, “women become mothers when they find out they are pregnant, but men become fathers when they hold their child for the first time,” what is your opinion on this, and do you think it is true?

The idea that women become mothers when they find out they are pregnant puts a huge amount of pressure on women, and the same can be said for men becoming fathers the minute they hold their baby. This idea that you ‘just become a parent’ does not happen automatically because many people do not have this experience, and some women dislike pregnancy. A lot of men and women can have a hard time bonding with their baby, especially in the first couple of days or weeks. This quote emphasizes the belief that everyone becomes parents naturally when in reality, it takes time. Additionally, fathers have hormonal changes that happen when their partner is pregnant, which influences their emotions and stress levels. Overall, men and women step into parenthood at their own pace, and there is no specific defining moment for this time.

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“It can take time, which is totally normal because it’s this little stranger you’ve never met.”

Is postpartum depression for fathers common, and how should they take care of themselves?

Postpartum depression is not linked to gender. Different studies or surveys have different level numbers, some say 10%, and others say up to 25% of men may experience postpartum depression. There are hormonal and neurological changes happening after pregnancy, for both men and women, which makes people more vulnerable to mental health issues. In addition, a lack of sleep, stress, support, and the isolation that is felt influence parents during this time. Postpartum depression is most common among mothers because they are most often staying at home and caregiving all day and night for the baby. When dads are very involved in child care but do not have paid paternal leave, they can also feel mental health issues such as postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety. The first thing to do as a society is to provide more leave and more support for parents. Additionally, there are fatherhood groups that fathers can get involved in on WhatsApp, Facebook, or Instagram, which can provide them with support and guidance during this time. Overall, it is important to find time for yourself, seek support, and seek mental professional help if you need it. 

“Fatherhood is incredibly stressful. Men carry a lot of burden and feel very responsible for supporting their families, and if they're very involved, then their time is also torn in 100 directions just like women’s time is, so it's important for them to have that support.”

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How should fathers adjust to the new routines and responsibilities after the baby is born?

It is important to be really gentle with yourself and recognize that you're learning every step of the way. Ultimately, it is important to stop separating fatherhood and motherhood because it is parenthood, and you are both adjusting to these new routines. It is important to take it day by day and recognize that even if you have a routine down, it is going to keep changing as the baby changes and grows. Additionally, turning to your partner as much as possible such as talking about what you are experiencing, challenges you are facing, and providing compliments and words of appreciation, is important during this time. At the end of the day, it is your partner at home that is your best support. 

How should fathers share the responsibilities with their partner of caring for a baby?

The ultimate goal for sharing responsibilities is not 50/50, as this is not practical because it is never going to be exactly equal with everything. For certain tasks, there may be one person who does more than the other. In terms of sharing responsibilities, it is important to aspire towards equal rest and make sure that each person feels like they are getting a fair amount of time to themselves to do what they need to do to recharge and rest. This may just be staying in bed for a nap without the baby, reading a book, taking a bath, going out for a walk, spending time with friends, or exercising. During this time, both parents are adjusting to new routines, so it is important to constantly check in with one another and ask questions like ‘what do you need, and how can we make that happen?’. In addition, there are not enough hours in the day to do it all, so lower your expectations. Every partner should work to be equally competent.  You cannot really share responsibilities fully if one parent is more competent with the child. The best thing in those early days of adjusting to these routines is for dads to spend a lot of time with the baby. Overall, when sharing responsibilities, it is important for both parents to have opportunities for rest and be equally competent. 

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What strategies do you recommend for fathers to stay engaged and present with their children despite busy schedules?

Staying engaged and present with your children when you have busy schedules is a challenge for everyone. This is especially challenging when there are many things that need to be done, and in addition, there is a house to clean and food to cook. One way for fathers to stay engaged and present with their babies is to involve them in their hobbies. For example, if you are going on a walk, take the baby with you in a baby carrier. You can take the baby with you when running errands and walking the dog. It is important to be as present as possible when you are with your child as well. Sitting and watching them play and commenting on what they are doing can bring a sense of connection as well. When the baby is older, picking hobbies of what can be fun for the kids can allow parents to stay engaged and present with their children. Overall, it is important to recognize that these early years are temporary, so you may need to set aside certain hobbies so you can have this time together when your schedule is extremely busy. 

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How can fathers best navigate the transition into parenthood, and what advice do you have for them?

The transition into parenthood looks different for everyone, but it is important to spend a lot of time with your baby so you get to know each other in these early days. This allows for a connection and bond to be made between the baby and the parent. In addition, finding a support system and having a community of other dads or role models, such as your own dad, friends, and people you work with, allows you to have people around you who will be there for you. Finally, turning to your partner to see what you need from each other allows you to navigate parenthood together, and expressing your feelings and experiences is important during this time. 

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